ONE DAY LESS

25SEP 0003hrs (My apologies in advance for any spelling errors, the net is back up, and my mind has been running on fumes for 72 hours.)

Our hearts are heavy, and thoughts of our own mortality have crept into our waking hours, fear attaches itself to the winds, whispering in our ears.  So very close to home, yet so many unseen dangers that lurk in the darkened hearts of our enemies.  Here in "this war" we have all peered into the heart of darkness, and all to often we have seen ourselves gazing back.  Fatigue has once again set in, and black humor has mercifully albeit temporarily lifted our spirits.  An off colour joke (I'll not share it in this venue) lifted my mood to the point of tears; this time they fell freely but not from the dread and sorrow of this place, but from a perfectly timed joke of a fellow officer, and friend.  The laughter was loud and hearty, it removed us from thoughts of "when it's my time..."  It was needed and will forever be emblazoned in my memory as we watched the clock pass the midnight hour, one less day in Iraq, one more day we are thankful simply to be alive...

24 SEPTEMBER 2005

 

“The future looks bright when the hearts of our young grow cold.”

                                                         

Today, one of the finest soldiers I have ever known entered the Operations Center, and found out that one of his soldiers had fallen. Victim, of yet another cowardly act against us. A young man that I had spent time with that very day hours before; laughing with as he drove our HMMWV into a ditch drenching all of us with water from a cooler. I heard his name called over the robotic static of the radio, and my first thought was so utterly cliché'; “I just saw him...how can this be?”

 
As this fine soldiers disbelief turned to grief, and his tears fell, he began to sob uncontrollably. I was told that he was in the building so I sought him out, and found him there alone in his anger and grief, I reached out to this warrior, and embraced him, not as a parent would a child, but as brothers do. I shared his pain and refusal to accept that another glorious, and fine young man was gone.

 
September is a dark month for us, we have paid for the freedom of the Iraqi people with far too much of our blood. It is my hope that Iraq “Earns this” gift we pay for in our blood. It is my hope that our blood aids the flourishing of the seeds of democracy grown here in this alien land. I comprehend the political landscape of that which comes to pass here, in this place, I understand (all to well) the culture we now find ourselves interwoven with. We are the imperfection on the rug, for nothing save for god is perfect; thus we stand out to the naked eyes of the Iraqi people, the moving imperfection of the tapestry of life...and death in Iraq

.

Some of you may think that our desire to find these “arhabi” is blood lust, no it sadly is not. It is simply our seeking of balance, our desire to manage this chaos that surrounds us. In finding and closing with our enemies, it lends reckoning to our resolve. Yet, all too often there is no enemy to engage, no spore to follow, there is only the lingering rage of being attacked and the scale tilted yet again against us.

 
This month will always be a dark reminder for me, not only in my rememberence of September 11^th 2001, but of September, 5^th, September, 16^th , and September 23^rd 2005. Of the sounds of dogtags clanking in the wind, of anger, of sorrow, of a coldness not brought on by the onset of fall. Rather a coldness that slowly creeps into the heart of rational men, of caring, and merciful brothers in arms. A coldness that removes parts of our souls, and replaces the memories of hearth and home, with bitterness, with a rip-tide that lies just beneath the masks of indifference we all don here, the masks that help us cope with what surrounds us.

 
As our embrace turned into a slightly more relaxed conversation about “what now”, another young soldier entered the building; he hadn't yet heard, of our loss. This scenario is being played out all too often, and again for the 5^th time in nearly as many days my heart tightened, and another piece of who I was, was lost to who and possibly what I am now. Wars have always changed men, perhaps it alters us, as Steinberg asserted, perhaps warriors will forever be “Homo sapien saevus.” Today my heart is cold, and my soul feels lost. Yet what I do know is that “this course” I am now on grows curiouser and curiouser as we venture down this hole.

 

18 SEPTEMBER 2005

How do you sum up the memory of a man? How do you remember a man in a few short moments? Another soldier from our Battalion has fallen. This man, I have known for some time. This memorial service left emptiness inside my heart, and has caused me yet again to remain in the shadow of doubt as to where my own faith lies. The memorial was full of the typical military ceremony VIPs from across our Division were present, and then there were his friends, the men who have shared his memories and walked a mile along side of him, his friends…His brothers.

 

“This war” has taken yet another Californian, another American, another husband, and Father. A sacrifice I will never forget, a good damned Soldier I will miss. There will be four places settings vacant upon our return. Our brothers who did not make it back, four empty chairs that cannot ever be filled, nor can they be replaced. I hope it will only be four, but as I have become fond of saying here in this place for me at any rate; hope is the beginning of unhappiness. I simply have no words of encouragement for this loss, no sense of higher purpose, or greater good. I think my heart has taken a step back last week. It was the costliest week thus far that this battalion has had to endure. Being in the Operations Center and hearing the battle unfold over the radio was…well it was not a place I look forward to going to anymore; we got bloody and for an agonizing 45 minutes there was no clear picture of who had perished, I know all who survived, and I knew the man that did not.

 

At the memorial you look into the eyes of those who were there, and the pain and sadness of the men who carried our fallen brother and tried to save him, it is an empty feeling. A desperate feeling begins to well within you and not unlike being shot at, or nearly blown up, you have the urge to flee this sadness. To run and hide, the little boy inside begs you to make it stop. It feels like there are ants crawling all over you, the stinging in your eyes gnaws at you, and the lump in your throat feels like it is strangling you. Then after the volley fires, and taps has faded the silence comes, and all that can be heard in the still of the evening is the dog tags of your brother clanking in the wind. Whispers cannot be heard over the solitary roar, of those two metal tags connecting with one another over and over.

 

Here in “This war” we are even denied that most human of things in time of war…revenge. Not that it is our way, or isn’t. Our enemy simply lays his devices, waits, attacks, and scurries away into the darkness like vermin when the lights come on. Granted, some of us probably do want blood, many of us are weary of it, and still more of us, want to end this one way or the other. Yet for our nation in this first great war of this newborn century, to fail here cannot be allowed to happen. I hate this place, this wonderful and terrible place, but I understand that what we are attempting here is simply bigger than me.

 

109 days to go…

 

Semper in Adsumus,

RDC

 

Comments

[Maggie]

Rusten, I've not been here for a while. I'm so sorry for all your losses. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your service and your sacrifice for our country. Today is October 6, and your last post was September 24. I'm praying for you my friend.

[devildog6771]

"Doesn't Heaven Sound Like a Beautiful Place?"

As he looks across the huge field below,
off to the right he sees a bright rainbow;

Days of rain have washed clean the air,
and fed the grass and flowers growing there.

He gazes at row upon row of granite crosses,
a constant reminder of war's tragic losses;

In perfect alignment they stand in formation,
brave soldiers who once guarded our nation;

As they rest here peacefully in this holy place,
He hangs his head at the shame and disgrace;

They gave their lives in defense a nation,
that now stands divided by political oration;

Then he reflects on that day in September,
The Twin Towers in New York a burning ember;

The Pentagon in Washington partially ablaze,
A plane crash in Pennsylvania saw panic for days;

On that day of tragedy and foreign invasion,
he reviewed his options and rose to the occasion,

All across America young men and women stood,
All took the oath because they felt they should;

He knew he didn't have to join up but he did;
He felt God spoke to him and did as He bid;

Tall and proud he told his little girls goodbye,
With hugs and kisses he left with head held high;

Promise me you'll look after my girls he said,
Tell them I love them when they go to bed;

Make sure they know Daddy didn't want to go,
But, under the circumstances I couldn't say no;

Remind them of the promise I made to them,
I'll be ok and return home but don't know when;

To say their prayers and think of me often,
He didn't know that he'd return home in a coffin;

He wasn't killed by a terrorist bullet or deed,
instead his fellow companion failed to heed;

In a moment of carelessness a man lost his life,
and a moments panic and fear caused great strife;

He looked at the names in this sacred place,
He read each one to himself and saw a face;

Not here in this field where he could never lay,
But in the house of his Father every day;

Though he did not die on any field of combat,
He did die serving his country, you can believe that;

Though he wanted to be with his girls and friends,
He would still have made that same decision again;

After a few more moments of silent reflection,
he forgave the circumstances of his situation;

As he did this he heard the heavenly choir sing,
That was when he knew he had done the right thing;

And as he rose to heaven with a flutter of wing,
I heard him sing,

*"Doesn't Heaven sound like a beautiful place?
And I'm ready for the day I see his face.
Won't be no guns.
won't be no knives.
Hear the best preaching that
you ever heard in your lives."
[*by: PO2 Michael J. Gray, killed in Kuwait, March 5,2004]

devildog6771

God bless you. As words escape me now, I have chosen to share!

[Lieutenant K]

Hey Russ,
I'm an Army LT, and I'm in Iraq as well. I'm in a very dangerous place indeed(as if there are many good ones over here). Let's just say for now I'm in the Al Anbar province. I've been here for about 120 days.
I'm a writer, and I have a blog that I've kept up since this deployment started. I've been careful about OPSEC because the part of Iraq I'm in is pretty much the worst, and I don't want someone other than myself deciding I need to stop posting because I'm putting out something the enemy can use.
I'm the Signal Officer for my BN, and we work with Marines all the time. I have a lot of respect for you guys. You contribute greatly to the colective efforts of coalition forces out here. It's amazing how joint the U.S. military has become.
I happened upon your blog, read a few posts, and just wanted to make contact. I relate not only to people like myself who have left their families to serve over here, but also those who have an appreciation for the written word-the power of pen over sword.
Check out my blog sometime - www.wordsmithatwar.blog-city.com

Thanks for your work.

Lieutenant K

[minijaxter]

I do not have the correct words to express my feelings.

I offer a prayer to whatever benevolent force that may be listening - that the rest of you come home safely and please do not the let those honorable soldiers be forgotten.

Nothing I can say will make it better or make it go away.

And all that "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" should be saved for when you are home safely. Until that day watch your 6 - and protect the people who cannot protect themselves.
Know that we are thinking of you and hold you all in our hearts.

[DagneyT]

Rusten,

"Wars have always changed men,"

You have the character, you have the wisdom, you have the brains to allow this "change" to benefit your country. Take heart, you will be an even better person than you are as a result of this. Steel is tempered in fire, and is made resilient. You are being made stronger than steel by your deeds and experiences. God bless you, and my prayers for your continued safety keep on a-comin'!

[Almer Hadaway, SSG, CO B 1-153IN, 39 SIB/UA]

Sorry to hear about your continued losses. I hope the old sector isn't being too much trouble, as it seems to be. I am the S3 NCO of the Karradah responsible unit you replaced.
Just a note to say, "Keep up the good fight, and the end is near".
We just spent a month in New Orleans, and I found it worse than Baghdad.

Good luck, God Speed, and
STAY ALERT, STAY ALIVE.
Warrior03N, out.

[membrain]

I have now words with which to comfort you Rusten. I weep. God Bless.

[Roland]

Well my brother, at least your fellow Americans aren't yet spitting on you as they did on my generation of warriors. Going through what you have, and experiencing the things that you have will make you stronger in the long run, and a better man than you thought you could be. Make the difference when you come home. Thank you for your service to our great nation.

[NOTR]

You have captured it so well, what a warrior feels when he loses a brother in arms. As I read your words tonight it took me back so many years to the realization that some things never change in any war. Your sharing those thoughts that we have all felt and compartmentalized for years... I appreciate that. Never forget what you do for your brothers is what it is all about. Those of us here, safe in our little worlds cannot appreciate enough what you do, and what you give for us. Thanks for that. We owe you.

[AFSister]

Hey Currie....
I'm so sorry to hear about your recent losses. Words can't comfort you- at least not mine, anyway. I know you'll lean on your brothers to get through these tough times, knowing that in a few months, you'll be coming home with fewer Soldiers than you should be.

[Janie]

I'm sorry.

[Edward]

Rusten,
Yes, what you all are doing is indeed bigger than we can fathom. It does not lessen the pain of a lost brother, only time can dull that. But you are doing a very great thing. And your travail will save perhaps millions of lives in the future. God keep you all safe through to the end of your tour of duty.

[Pam in Fresno, CA]

I am so sorry Russ. Those are such empty words--but perhaps the stars in the sky tonight are really not stars at all--but rather holes in heaven, where those who have gone before us are pouring their love out and letting us know that they are alright...

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
Edna St. Vincent Millay

Your and yours are in our prayers. Stay safe and trust God.

[Kat in GA]

I am speechless, too. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} I'm so sorry for your losses.... To echo Suellen's comment ~ they will NEVER be forgotten. We love you all and are so grateful for your service...

You remain in our prayers, always.

[Suellen]

I am simply speechless. Your grief has transmitted itself off the page and entered my soul. Believe me, we feel the loss of each one deeply too. Their sacrifice will never be forgotten.