“Teach
us to care and not to care. Teach us to sit still.”
T.S
Elliot
I don't
know much, I haven't been alive long enough to be wise. I have seen
more of the world than most, but am not worldly. What I do know it
this. Chamberlain was right (more than one hundred years ago, near
Gettysburg, we are fighting a new kind of war, with a new Army. We
are fighting for an ideal. Freedom, such an intangible notion, such
a simple thing, such a complex thing. We can quantify the price in
blood, we can quantify the price in dollars. What is so simple here
in B'dad, is so lost on so much of America... Freedom.
I
watched Gettysburg a few nights ago, and was so awestruck by the
noble speech of Colonel Joshua Chamberlain portrayed by Jeff Daniels.
Those of you who do not know of the Battle at Gettysburg, or of COL
Joshua Chamberlain, he quite possibly was the finest battlefield
commander the United States Army ever produced. He was a man of
quiet religious conviction ennobling the cause of the Union so
eloquently that his speech has rarely left my mind, nor its meaning
far from my heart.
“This
is a different kind of army. If you look back through history, you
will see men fighting for pay, for women, for some other kind of
loot. They fight for land, power, because a king leads them or -- or
just because they like killing. We are here for something new. This
has not happened much in the history of the world. We are an army out
to set other men free.”
Chamberlain
(Gettysburg)
I am
aware there are many reasons we are here in Iraq, some say an illegal
war for oil, some say to settle an old score. Some say we are
attempting to set a puppet government here in this strange land.
Some say Saddam violated UN resolutions time and time again, some
assert he was harboring terrorists. To each one of us there is a
certain truth what we belive to be real. To some of us our
perceptions have become the only reality. A world seem in “black
and white”, a world of absolutes. I am not a worldly man, but I
am here in this world and it is my only reality. My vision is not
clouded by an unreasonable hatred for the President. My heart is not
cold with the lust for the blood of our enemies. My mind is not
predisposed to condemnation of all of Islam because of the murderous
actions of the few. Simply put; I am just here walking through this
moment in time. The future will judge what we have done here.
“All
these thousands of men, many of them not much older more than boys
each one of them, some mother's son, some sister's brother, some
daughter's father, each one of them a whole person, loved and
cherished in some home far away. Many of them will never return. An
army is power -- its entire purpose is to coerce others.
Now,
this kind of power cannot be used carelessly or recklessly; this kind
of power can do great harm. We have seen more suffering than any men
should ever see. And if there is going to be an end to it, it must be
an end that justifies the cost”.
Chamberlain
(Gods and Generals)
If the
end justifies the cost will history be kind to the horror our
soldiers have been witness to, will it judge with less scorn and
bitterness than those who judges us now for that which had to be
done?
“May
the judgment not be too heavy upon us.”
T.S.
Elliot
I
have been thinking a lot as of late about my wife, and the struggle
she has had to face alone to maintain hope, and sanity. The
sacrifice for her is tearing at my heart. I never thought I would
miss another human being as much as I miss her. This time will pass,
and fade and the bitterness will erode from my heart and hers for
the separation we have been forced to endure. She will forgive me in
time, and in time the scars will also fade. Yet the memories of this
place will linger. I cannot see nor feel the changes that are taking
place inside me. Yet, by virtue of being here in this place and
fighting in “this war” there undoubtedly has been a change.
Mustn't there be a change?
To
those of you from Generation X, I have a favorite song in this place
I listen to it daily. Nine Inch Nails “Everyday is Exactly the
Same”, a favorite verse of mine is;
“I'm
writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might
find
I'll hide it behind something
They won't look
behind
I am still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding
through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I
just don't know- I don't know what else I can do!”
Baby-boomers...”We
Got to Get Out of this Place...”
Silent
Generation...”We'll meet again..Don't know where don't know
when...”
Millenials...
“You know You're Right.”
I
just finished Reading Dean R. Koontz's “Velocity”. It was the
second fastest I have ever read a book in my life, less than 36 hours.
He quoted Elliot throughout, and caused me to dig out a book I have
been keeping for nearly 20 years; in it I have detailed and captured
favorite quotes from my time just before I graduated Kemper, until
well...today. I have over 7 thousand quotes in it, many I can
recall from memory. Each one has a particular place in my minds
eye, from days past. Trying times, sadness, heartache, love lost and
love found. Each quote takes me away from this place if only for a
moment, even the saddest memory I have is more pleasing than being
here. However I am not here to be entertained, nor pleased. My
existence here is part of a bigger collective whole. I get that,
duty first. Yet as a man, no as a human being, I eagerly await to
hang my uniform, and return to my life. As an adult I have never
known a normal life, I look forward to walking the road to “normal”
with my wife upon my return. Yet as I wrote that line I smiled,
running for Congress isn't really normal is it?
War
tears at the heart, it destroys the soul. It has divided our nation,
and torn a line down the middle of the very fabric of who we as a
people are. A soldiers job is to kill without question, or
hesitation. It is not my job to care. Yet as a human being I am
compelled to care. I feel the pain and anguish of Iraq, I see it in
the faces of the Iraqis I see everyday. I hear it each night when
the thump of an IED echoes in the darkness. Teach us to care and not
to care. Teach us to stand still. Time here has no purpose, being
half way through this deployment is largely like being the middle
child. Still to young to drive, and as a National Guardsman still
not old enough to not have a babysitter.
Each
time I am asked what is going on I hear myself saying same “story”,
same day. Here in Iraq; “Everyday is exactly the same”.
Tomorrow is the day I go home...but tomorrow for me is 5 months, 23
days, 11 hours and 14 minutes away. My basic reality here is,
tomorrow I'll see my wife again, and tomorrow I will try to see what
normal feels like. But today, I have a job to do. Today I have to
keep moving forward, and keep moving fast. If I don't there won't be
a tomorrow. Today, was a good day...Today and everyday I am here I sit still... as time slowly passes by.
“The
world turns and the world changes, but one thing does not change.
However you disguise it, this thing does not change: the perpetual
struggle of good and evil.”
***I
used to read only military fiction, and historical books; studying my
craft through the eyes of warriors who have come before me. Yet
here, in Iraq I find that reading military fiction has left me
drained and nearly crushed my desire to read and write (Sorry Mr.
Clancy). Just as I wrote that last sentence an IED exploded (close).
I don't flinch anymore and that worries me. Anyway, I really
recommend “Velocity”, it was a page turner. I still read daily
from “Meditations” by Marcus Aurelius. Old habits resist
change...***
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