Fear and Loathing in B’Dad (So long H.S. Thompson, it was a groovy trip)

I am venting for the sake of having an outlet, so bare with me.  If you don’t want to read then stop now!  Let me tell you about what it is to be in Iraq.  It is a daily grind not only to find purpose but also to maintain ones bearing, to maintain relationships, to maintain at least an even keel on ones temper.  I have been in Iraq for a little over two weeks, and my anger level has risen and found new balance at near livid.  My blood pressure which was at one point abnormally low is now shall we say elevated.  This war is very driven by my Military Occupational Specialty, and to the Maneuver types in this “persons” Army, Military Intelligence is FM (Fucking Magic) and we are expected to pull “intelligence” from thin air as magicians would pull a damn rabbit from a hat.  Always to find a last second solution to an impossible problem, not of our making, that is the nature of what it is to be in Iraq.  To be married in Iraq, to explain what it is to be here in Iraq.  Iraq is what being an American soldier is all about my friends, defending the defenseless, giving hope to those who have never known hope.  Fighting the very Goddamned evil that we as American’s cannot even comprehend, all doing so and asking for nothing in return save for the hope that we can one day return to our lives and try (sometimes in vain) to pick up where we left off. 

You are probably wondering what in the world brought on this barrage of negativity; well that is personal!  But suffice to say it involves someone very close to me.  Yes I applaud the sacrifice that military spouses make in dealing with the absence of their loved ones, and the hardships it places upon the families of service members.  Well shit, wasn’t America founded on the very blood of patriots?  The greatest sacrifice of all, ones life.  Well shit, I suppose a year isn’t that much of a sacrifice if you look at the big picture.  If Iraq and the very people here are able to succeed in forming a Democracy then this is all worth it is it not?  People call us hero, for what?  This is my job; I am no more a hero, than the man who collects your trash, or the woman who shampoos your hair.  This is what I am paid for.  To go, close with and destroy the enemies of my nation.  I cannot always comprehend why we go to some places, but as I mentioned this is my job.  So here I am, 10,000 miles from home.  In Baghdad, Iraq.  Wondering why the fuck I am so damn angry at my wife for not getting what the hell it is that I do.  For trying to even expect her to understand why I’d want to.  I am mad as hell at myself for breaking a promise to her that I was on my way out of the military when we met.  Sorry.  But I am not being fair, life just sucks sometimes and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it. 

You know what I don’t really feel like trying to understand why things are the way they are, I feel like being selfish, and just being pissed off for about the next 365 days.  Because you know what, I haven’t a clue when I am leaving Iraq, and caring when is a waste of my damn time.  So, I’ll be home when I get home one way or another.   My wife doesn’t like my blog because at times she thinks that I sound to “Gung Ho” never mind the fact that Gung Ho means unity; well my friends I do apologize for that.  Let me tell you what is really on my mind; and you tell me which you prefer.  Half the time I am scared shitless, that I am going to end up like one of our soldiers that was trying to do his job and evacuate a casualty.  The Mujas detonated an IED and the kid was blown up.  He didn’t die, but he was rushed to Germany for burn treatment because things here are so not sterile that when wounded and burned infection will kill us faster than anything.  Or that I break out into terrible sweats when I leave the gate, my heart beats so fast I can see into the future.  And when I get back to the barracks I need to take sleeping pills to calm down enough to be exhausted the next day.  The enemy hasn’t even directly engaged us yet, but the war the Mujas are fighting against us makes us all very jumpy and not at all in the mood to take chances.  Oh, how about this for fear, this one is great; you’ll love it, being in a building that is supposed to be “secure” and not knowing if the chair you are sitting in has explosives in under it.  Or if the end table with drawers next to the chair is packed with explosives, and if it will blow you apart when you are opening it to check it for said explosives.  Oh, how about this, cosmically random mortars, they launch them just to see where they will land, and what if I was say, walking back from dinner minding my own business and BLAM!!!!!  So in a nutshell just about anything here can get you killed, including nothing.  But people don’t want to hear that, because heroes aren’t afraid of anything are they?   

You see why I don’t mention my fears, because to dwell on them gives them power.  FUCK that, I have no fears here, and as for Gung Ho, I sure as hell am sick and damn tired of 1/2 of the people I work with, but I sure as shit know that I’d fight to the death for any of them, and they would do the same for me.   Am I being an asshole, don’t care.  I am here and you aren’t.  I do my best to keep in touch, and this is the best way I can, it is not so much for the world as it is for me to keep a record of what I was thinking and how I was feeling.  Do you know how certain smells trigger a memory, or one memory will trigger another.  That is what this is for me.  Sort of self-healing, the fact that I can communicate to my friends and family this way is serendipitous. 

However, to end on a positive note; I have been humbled by your support, care packages, and emails.  Those of you who called me even when it was 4 in the morning my time, I thank you! Oh, and we are winning this war.  One bullet at a time.

Semper in Adsumus,

RDC

Comments

[Rumm]

Hey Devil,

Got the comms from you. Waiting on address for launch of items you requested.

Remember, ears get caught in customs, teeth don't.

Get some

Semper Fidelis

JR

[Badfrog]

You have discovered the cathartic effect of "writing down the moment" while "on the anvil." Do your job, come home. Forget the rest.

And about Heroism...

Esse Quam Videri

[jeff]

I'm Individual Ready Reserve, and when I got married in June 2002 (we met the Sunday after 9/11) I made sure that my wife knew that she could wake up some day an Army Bride.

January 8th, 2003 that day came. I shipped out February 6th.

I thought she was holding together pretty well - fortunately for us I ended up being released back to the IRR early, as I later found out that if she had seen a psych while I was gone the diagnosis would have been clinical depression. She's fine now, but I should have had friends and family checking on her more while I was gone. If Major K's wife is in the area, or you or your wife have family in the area, please make sure that they visit your wife, at your home, OFTEN! She needs the support as much as you do.

[Tina]

Rus, Keep posting I live for everyday I get just a glimpse of you. We have been through many tough times and I hope the oatmeal raisin cookies make it there soft and give you a smile just for a minute. Your men are lucky to have you. The military is you except that it will always be and we love you for that. The kids had a great time making Uncle Rus' care package I hope you enjoy it. Love T

[Brian H]

Damn it! Another "Must-Read" blog! I've got too many already. Time for another house-cleaning, I guess. I've got 4 or 5 Mozilla Tab Groups of 15 - 20 Iraq-related blog links each, with descending levels of priority, and when this one goes into the top group, it probably means I'll have to bump another one down, immediately or eventually. That's the hard life of an Iraq blog addict.

[Patrick Lasswell]

So, I rejoined the Naval Reserve after being out for almost ten years today, with the full knowledge that my unit would be called up in the next twelve months. Then I read your post.

I spent some time at lunch after the enlistment explaining to my wife why the Navy is deploying to dirtside locations in Kuwait and Iraq. (Protecting sea lanes includes protecting their terminus, it turns out.) I'm not sure she got it, but I have some time to clarify before I am in your situation.

Thanks for the heads up.

[AFSister]

WOW!

That was quite a rant. Kat wasn't kidding when she said you were great to read. Very open and honest. I'll have to go back and read your archives.

In the meantime, remember that your wife loves you and wants you home safe with her. Us girls love our men in uniform, but we love them even more by our side.

You keep your head down, and keep posting. Writing is an incredible release, as I'm sure you are finding out.

[Kat-Missouri]

Just found you via Major K via Mudville Gazette. Read all your past posts. Really appreciated the music from the Arkansas Boys if you don't mind passing that along (if they're still on your FOB when you read this). Mortaritaville was funny as hell.

As for all other things, I'll simply say, "thanks" to you and your family. Your on our minds and in our prayers. For every minute you spend there, may you and yours have an extra minute to just hold each other and be reminded what love is, why we need it and how damned good it is after you see the crappy things people can do to each other.

Mortis Tyrannis
Sic Semper Tyrannis